Week 17

Starting the week off and honestly speaking I feel weak. I hate expressing my feelings and especially when it comes to matters of the heart. In the past 2 weeks I have been bottling up every emotion I can feel and I have come to a breaking point. I have looked up prenatal depression because I feel as I always had a minor case of depression and anxiety growing up, I just always hid it and didn't tell many. My anti depression became music and I would drown myself out into it, that was until I became of age and was introduced to vodka. God, I need a drink right about now... a beer... anything would suffice. I know I am not supposed to be stressing out, stress can lean towards anxiety and depression as well as miscarriage. I don't know why I am actually writing this out but for the very few that actually read all the crap I post, I Thank you. I know that there is someone out there who actually cares enough to read it and perhaps they felt the same way or went through what I was/is/or am going to. This week I have just about broken down and no one knows how much, I have written other blogs in which I have kept to myself or deleted.. still haven't put much consideration as to what I am going to do with this one.

I know that I have always lived a certain lifestyle, a "dream" as many would call it. Many say that I live in a fake world of fantasy... is that really such a bad thing? Wanting a perfect family growing up, wanting a lifestyle of pure happiness, wanting a stable career and a life where I can do what I love everyday. Wanting to come home to a big beautiful house where everyone in it is content, nurturing and loving. The world we live in now kinda sucks, living every day wondering what the next person will do to you. I actually lived every relationship thinking might as well hurt that person before they hurt me, runaway when things get tough and never let your guard down. Old habits kind of die hard. Well, honestly speaking I really don't want any comments on this blog. I don't want the "I am sorry, I know what your are going through" or the "get over it, thats the way life is" (yeah i get that a lot from family) "you have a beautiful family and you shouldnt feel this way for the baby". I get it, I'm depressed not stupid.. I know what I am supposed to be feeling but I can't, I just want these feelings to go away and thats why I am opening up. I am letting my feelings out so that way I can feel as if I am being heard, I am expressing myself to the universe because I want better. I don't want to live falling asleep nor waking up in tears. I don't want to have this conversation with any of you, this is the reason I am writing it and not speaking it. I don't want the constant reminder that I feel like this so please just let me be.

I know its not like any of my other chippy weekly blogs but I am writing these blogs to just write.


...................………………

Today I feel better .. so again. I don't wanna hear about it. 

Lets see this week little booger is stretching out to average 5.1'' which is supposed to be a size of an onion. Umm, I am not quite sure about this weeks size because all the onions I have ever seen here in Miami are quite small.

This week he/she is growing little by little and basically just putting on some weight. With that he/she is growing a stronger and thicker umbilical cord. Supposedly mothers should be showing by now and putting on some weight, especially second time mothers. This week I am 4 months and 1 week and thank god I have only gained 5 lbs. most women gain 5-10 lbs. by this time being that its almost 1/2 there. I have a little bump which continues to grow and it actually says as of this week my boobs are supposed to be getting itchy.. (they kind of are)